2022

I guess 2022 is not too bad after all. I am at a bind on how to assess my last year in my 20s but one sure thing is I am not much in my head compared to the prior years considering I haven’t been writing here. It is always a good sign – not writing here. Generally speaking I am at a good place but I am not where I want to be at all. I wish I am but I am not. Goal wise, I am failing bad but I don’t want to beat myself up for it. Life is too short to be my own enemy. I can keep back on track. I will go back at it. Everything is possible.

I guess, my story is not as beautiful as I wanted it to be in this lifetime. I wanted for it to work but it isn’t just working and all I have right now is this shallow relationships which doesn’t make sense at all..

Please. Can you stay? Can you be with me for a long time? Please. Please. Please. I am tired of taking chances. Tired of starting over. Tired of having my heart on the line and realizing that no, this ain’t it. Please, can you just be mine? Out of all these people, please choose me.

Are you still my person? Can I look back to this and say “ah, it was just a phase”… Or look back and say “it was good while it lasted – I should have known better but this is life anyways..”

I just hope you’ll choose me. But by the looks of it you are giving up. Then so be it..

Woman,

Fix your crown. Wipe that uncertainty from your face. Shoulders straight. Eyes forward. You are more than how you see yourself – Don’t go bringing down that reflection in the mirror. You are whole on your own. You may feel broken right now but that is never permanent. Nothing is permanent – even that cracks that seem to be creeping in your soul. It is but a phase. You overcome. Whatever it is, believe me – you overcome. It gets better.

– From someone who has been there multiple times

I wanted to believe you. But I just can’t find it in me to be vulnerable. I am not built like that. I let down my guards and I instantly get hurt. I open my heart and I get anxious and overthink and just go crazy. I am so tired of it all.

Can I trust you? I don’t know anymore. Everything at face value at this point. You say you are trustworthy, I will believe you but I will never do things that will put me at the shorter end of the stick anymore. I just hope my reality is not compromised. I cannot handle it. I am not at a position to handle it. But how can I be lucky? Hope I am lucky enough. Please.

You keep me wondering if i matter still. Wondering if all you said before still holds true – it was. I felt it. But the now and then are far too different and I can feel you no more. I say you’ve changed and you say I am dramatic. The person before wouldve insisted otherwise.. He might get angry and shout just bacause he cares. The person in front of me doesn’t and that freaking hurts. The person infront of me makes me wonder. The person before wouldnt allow doubt.

Instead of thriving, my mental health is killing me more. Now I don’t even know how I am and I am more lost than ever. This is sad. Papa God, Please guide me. Please guide me to be where I am supposed to be in life. This is not it for me. At 28, I think I have it all wrong. I think this is not where I want to be…

I wanted a good guy. A guy who fears his God and is willing to help others in need. I want to be proud of him and say my person is kind and has his heart in the right place. I don’t know if that is true now. I don’t know if I am happy and to think that there is a possibility that I have no choice but to stay bothers the hell out of me.